Okay dear readers there are a couple of things you must know. First off, the RNC is happening here, in my home town. Secondly, I have been known to have fascist tendencies, and have voted for a few more Republicans than I really care to fully explain. I hate them as much as you all do, but dammit, I hate the Dems more, most of the time. Don't try to figure me out, don't hate, be creative. People, I am the perfect ambassador to go into the lions den. I can go there in a suit, with press credentials, and come out with a tale of woe so juicy it will stain your underwear.
Why am I the perfect ambassador? Well, for one thing I can speak Reaganese. I know how to talk limited government, no new taxes, and well, I really find war to be exciting TV. These skills get me in under the radar you see. I get in and then I report back to all of you, the folly of it all. I can meet folks there and find after parties. I am a working musician, I know how to find after parties. I can expose the debauchery of the "family values" party because I am a family man and I am also an ex-hippie who isn't afraid to take a hit on a bong for the cause of pure, objective, albeit zany journalism. This mission is mine to fulfill, now help me fulfill it.
This is what I need from you. Credentials. I need to find an organization that can get me in. Too many lefty media sources are focusing all their energy on protesting the thing that they aren't considering the fun of a gate crashing panty raid. Come on folks, help me out here. If anyone has ANY clout with a news organization that can get me a day pass into this sea of bufoonery, please let me know. I will write an honest appraisal of the situation I find within, as well as a commentary on the behind the scenes depravity I may find in the bathroom stalls. Cocaine people. I bet there is lots of cocaine there. If there is, I'll sniff it down, and report it.
I won't meet any of the big wigs of the party I'm certain, but I will immerse myself within a go getting bunch of young Republicans, and I will follow them from gentleman's clubs to the hotel rooms, and I will give the exact coordinates in which to find the remains of any mangled hookers. I was born for this folks. Just give me a chance.
My first thought for a sponsor is Lavender Magazine. It's our local gay publication of note. They reviewed my last CD positively, and I am very gay friendly. I'm not gay, but I can probably find plenty of gay young Republicans if I'm looking.
I summation, I know no matter what, the article I write will be entertaining, fun, and scandalous. Stupid John McCain will never hear about it, but maybe it will derail a few voters toward not voting for him. Actually I don't really care. I'm voting for Chris Hill. Still, think of the funny.