Wednesday, June 25, 2008

More backlog. Please tell me to stop. (If you want)

Okay guys, and dolls, here is a thing I wrote as an assignment for a class I took. The exercise was a simple but unobtainable goal. I like it. It's a fun adventure, and it was fun to write. Please comment. Tell me I suck if you must but don't be like that Goddamned radio station that still won't play my music for some reason.

A Simple Yet Impossible Goal

(A man leaves his apartment to get drunk. As he heads to his neighborhood bar he encounters a drunken man in the street)

Drunk--Hey man, do you got four dollars and sixty-three cents? I need four dollars and sixty-three cents for a bus ticket.

Man--Four dollars and sixty-three cents huh? I didn't realize they were charging such unusual amounts of money to ride the bus these days.

Drunk--(Blank stare)
No man. I need four dollars and sixty-three cents for the bus because my car broke down and my wife and baby are waiting for me.

Man--I see. But you had time to get drunk along the way huh? Tell you what. I'm heading up to the bar right now to get drunk myself. I've been on the wagon for six months but I've had a pisser of a day. I'm being honest with myself, I'm going to tie one on. Now you be honest with me. Just admit that you want the money to get drunk and I'll be happy to give it to you, or you can join me at the bar and I'll buy you whatever you want.

Drunk--(Momentary blank stare)
Yo, I need four dollars and sixty-three cents for the bus, but I'll walk with you to the bar if you're buying.

Man--That's what I figured. You can't keep the wife and the baby waiting eh?



(They enter the bar)

Man--So what are you having? I don't know about you but I'm thirsty as hell for a beer. Should I just get a pitcher and a couple of glasses?


(The man approaches the bar)

Man--I'll take a pitcher of your pale ale and a two glasses please.

Bartender--Did you just bring him in here with you?
(He points at the drunk)

Man--(Pauses as he turns around to look)
Uh---Yeah. I'm just buying him a drink. It's my charity for the decade, you know.

Bartender--I'm sorry but he's got to go. He's been in here pestering my patrons all day. I just eighty-sixed him a few minutes ago.

Man--Aw, c'mon, he's okay. Can't he have just one?

Bartender--No he can't! Do yourself a favor buddy, and walk away from this situation. You don't want to get involved with the likes of him anyway.
(He pauses as he looks over at the drunk)
Oh holy Christ in hell!

(The drunk has pulled out his penis and begins to piss all over the cigarette machine)

Drunk--I used to smoke Marlboros, but now I smoke Camels.

(The bartender leaps over the bar and and pins the drunk)

Bartender--Valerie! Call the cops!

(The waitress calls the police and they arrive almost immediately)

Cop 1--(To the drunk, as he cuffs him)
Alright Bob, looks like you're gonna have to spend the night in the tank again.

Drunk--Gimmee a ham sammich,

Cop 2--Sorry about all the mess.

(The cops exit with the drunk)

Bartender--Goddamnit! I got piss on me! Valerie, watch the bar while I get cleaned up, and whatever you do, don't serve the Samaritan there.
(He pionts at the man)

Waitress--Okay boss.

Man--Oh come on. This wasn't my fault. He followed me in here. Can't I just have one beer?

Waitress--If I were you I'd leave before Tony gets back from the bathroom.


Waitress--Don't protest honey, just move along please. There are plenty of other bars in town.

(He leaves the bar and walks down the street. He goes into a liquor store and grabs a 40 ounce beer)

Cashier--Will this be everything?

Man--I guess. For now. Suddenly I've got the inspiration to act in a depraved manner. I'm going down to the riverside to enjoy this beer right out of the sack like a bum.

Cashier--Hmmph! We all need goals. Here's your change, but if I were you I'd watch out for all the other bums.

Man--Thanks for the tip.

Cashier--Don't mention it.

(He exits the store and heads through the alley down to the train tracks. He tries to open his bottle and drops it. It shatters)

Man--NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God, why have you forsaken me?
(He attempts to salvage a few dribbles of liquid from on of the broken pieces, but abandons the idea and heads back toward the liquor store)

Cashier--Back so soon?

(Speaks under his breath)
Your mama.
(He grabs a six pack of cans)

Cashier--That'll be four sixty-three.


Cashier--Four dollars and sixty-three cents. Is that a problem? If it's too rich for you, you should consider quitting.

Man--Thanks, but I've already tried that. It's just strange that I've already encountered that number today.
(He takes his change and walks back toward the river. He is approached by two clean cut teenagers in dress slacks, white shirts, and black ties, walking their bikes along side the railroad tracks. He tries to avoid eye contact, but they walk right up to him)

Kid 1--Hello sir, we're from the chuch of immaculate confession and we're wondering if you've taken the time to find Jesus?

Man--No thank you. I'm busy.

Kid 2--You can never be too busy to find salvation. It's not too late for you yet. Here have this pamphlet.

Man--(Takes the pamphlet and jams it into his pocket)
Thanks, bye.

Kid 1--Wait a minute sir. If I may be so bold, you look as if you're lost spiritually. Our group is having a bible study tonight, and we think you should come with us.

Man--No you may not be so bold, and I'm sorry, but I don't have the time. So good day to you both--Now fuck off.

(The two kids look at eachother and nod. Then suddenly one of them restrains him as the other grabs his sack of beer)

Kid 1--Now don't fight us sir. We're doing this for your own good.

Man--Goddamnit, what are you two cultists doing to me? Let me go!

Kid 2--We'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from taking the lord's name in vain. Now what do you have in the sack?
(He looks inside)
Just what I thought. Devil juice.

Kid 1--We're here to free you from your sin,
(They take the beer and throw the man to the ground and race off on their bikes. The man gets up and starts chasing after them shouting)

Man--Why you no good hoodlums! Scoundrels! Iconoclasts! Jesus freaks! Hey you stole from me! What would the lord say about that?
(He watches them ride off amidst the dust of their wheels and stops short of breath. He shakes his fist at the sky)
This is all your fault, you bastard!
Wait a minute.
(He pulls the pamphlet from his pocket and notes the address of the bible study)
I'm going to get you now!
(He goes back to the street and hails a cab)

Cabbie--Where to?

Man--327 Lexington.

Cabbie--10-4. So what's up with you on this fine evening?

Man--Well, I'm trying my damndest to fall off the wagon, but without any success. So now I'm going to church.

Cabbie--Church huh? Well that's probably the best thing for you. A man without a proper spiritual anchor is a lost soul, adrift in the sea of eternity.

Man--Everybody's a philosopher.

Cabbie--I'm just trying to make conversation.

Man--Well if you really want to know, I'm on my way to church to beat the crap out of a couple of teenagers, and then if I have the time I'm going to take a piss on their alter.

(The cab pulls over and stops suddenly)

Cabbie--Get out of my cab sir.


Cabbie--I'm a very religious man, and I won't be a party to such blasphemy. Please get out of my cab, I don’t need your fare that much.

Man--Hey. I was kidding. No harm done. Just drop me off at the nearest bar.

Cabbie--No sir. Just get out now please.

Man--Okay, okay.
(He gets out and the cab screeches off)
Now where the hell am I?
(He hears the pulsating drone of distant rythmns and wanders towards it. At a warehouse some people are standing around a door)
What's going on here?

Leather Clad Youth--It's a rave grandpa. You know, a dance.

Man--I know what a rave is. I'm not that old. Do you have any beer in there?

Leather Clad Youth--Whatever your poison is, you'll find it. Twenty bucks.

Man--Twenty bucks?! That's outrageous!

Leather Clad Youth--Then don't go in. Now please step aside.
(Two hip dressed kids approach the doorman and hand him forty dollars and he lets them inside. A young woman in a yellow dress doing cartwheels in the parking lot approaches the man)

Girl--It's a beautiful night, isn't it?

Man--I guess.

Girl--Are you going inside?

Man--Well, I was considering it.

Girl--Come on then.
(She grabs his arm and pulls him toward the door)

Leather Clad Youth--Forty bucks.

Man--But I--

Girl--Come on.
(She flips her hair cutely)

Man--Oh what the hell.
(He hands him the money and they go inside. She leads him into a loud sweaty room with bright flashing lights)

Girl--Stay right here. I'll be right back.

(She disappears, and he stands there watching the mass of flesh dancing as he curses himself for being such a sucker. After a minute he goes looking for the bar)

Man--Can I have a beer?

Pierced Man--What? Beer? We don't have any beer.

Man--Well, what do you have?

Pierced Man--Smart drinks.

Man--I see.

Girl--There you are. I thought I lost you.

Man--I was--

Girl--Come on.
(She leads him onto the dance floor and begins to slither about him seductively. After a minute she starts to kiss him)

Girl--Oh hey! There's my friend Toby.

Toby--Hey Sunshine, how have you been?

Girl--Great! This is----



We're all heading over to Jimmy's. You coming?


Toby--See you out front.

Man--Now wait a minute. I just paid forty dollars to get in here. We're not leaving yet are we?

Girl--Don't be such a stick in the mud. Let loose. Live a little. I've got to go to the bathroom, wait right here.

(He waits a minute and then starts looking for her)

Man--You haven't seen a girl in a yellow dress, have you?

Dancing Kid--What? No.

Man--Figures. My head is starting to spin. I think I'm on drugs.

Dancing Kid--Cool.

Man--When that girl kissed me, I think I caught some drugs from her.

Dancing Kid--Cool.

Man--I can't breathe. I've got to get out of here.
(He runs outside)

Man--That girl I came in here with, have you seen her?

Leather Clad Youth--(Laughs)
Yeah, she just left in a van with some guys. Tough luck buster.

Man--I guess your right, but I should be more upset about it than I am. I think I caught some drugs from her.

Leather Clad Youth--You don't catch drugs. You catch herpes. You've ingested drugs.

Man--Yeah, well suddenly I feel very happy.

Leather Clad Youth--That'll happen.

Man--(Looks at the Leather Clad Youth for a moment)
Can I kiss you?

Leather Clad Youth--Okay, It's time for you to go.
(He pushes the man up the street. The man wanders and ends up in front of a liquor store)

Man--Oh yeah! I forgot! Beer!
(He digs in his pockets)
Oh no, I'm broke!

(A man walks out of the store)

Man--Hello, can I borrow four dollars and sixty-three cents?

Other Man--No you cannot, you freak. It looks as if you've had enough already.

Man--I'm not drunk. I'm on drugs.

Other Man--Figures.
(He walks off)

(Feeling over-confident the man goes into the store to steal a beer)

Cashier--Excuse me?


Cashier--Are you going to pay for that bottle you put in your pants?

Man--I was just looking.

Cashier--I can see it sticking out of your pocket. Just put it on the counter and walk away, or pay for it. Don't make me call the cops.

Man--I was just looking.

Cashier--Yeah, whatever, now put it back.

(The man runs and trips. He falls on the bottle and it breaks, cutting his leg open)

Cashier--Dude, you're bleeding real bad. I'm calling the cops.

Man--No I'm fine.
(He tries to get up but stumbles and falls)

Cashier--You're not going anywhere.
(He goes in to call the police)

(The man sits in the parking lot tripping out over all the blood on his hands from touching his wound)

Man--Lady MacBeth, what have I done?
(He starts laughing)
"Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?"

Cashier--(Bringing the police)
Here he is. He looks pretty bad.

Cop 1--Okay sir, just relax. Put this towel on your leg and put pressure to the wound. The ambulance will be here soon.

Man--All I wanted was a beer. Can I please have one?

Cop 2--Alcohol thins the blood, and that's the last thing you need right now. Just sit tight and we'll get you the attention you need. You'll be charged with disorderly conduct, don't make things worse for yourself.

Man--Two Jesus freaks stole my six pack and I caught drugs from a hippy harpy, it can't get any worse.

Cop 1--That's your theory. Don't test it.

(The ambulance arrives)

Paramedic--Okay now, lets get you on the stretcher. I'm gonna have to cut your pants open to see the wound. We have to make sure we get all the glass out.

Man--This is why I quit drinking in the first place. It always gets me into trouble.

Paramedic--How much have you had to drink tonight?


Paramedic--Are you sure? We need to know in order to help you.

Man--I think I'm on ecstacy.

Paramedic--You think?

Cop 1--We'll meet you at the hospital to take care of the paperwork.

Paramedic--Okay, see you there.

Man--Can I borrow four dollars and sixty-three cents?

1 comment:

belsum said...

Oh man - I love this one so much! It's filled with just genius catchprases. Iconoclast! (How very Captain Haddock.) Catching drugs. (Which you very smartly have since recycled.) Hippie harpy. The $4.63 revelation. It's just a perfect piece.