Wednesday, June 18, 2008

God at an AA meeting.

(I know it might be uninteresting or boring as shit to have me post my various scribblings. Then again this is my forum so I can do whatever I want. There are probably only two or three people who read this blog anyway. That being said, for you two or three, here is a little thing I wrote during a time where I was trying my hand at writing sketch comedy. This particular piece was the result of my own dealings with a certain sobriety group. I hope you enjoy it. Please comment even if you hate it. I am extremely needy.)

I'd like to thank you all for coming. It's really good for me to have these group sessions. Sometimes being all powerful can make you take for granted what it is like to NOT be God. All of you certainly know what it's like to not be me, and as you are my closest associates, I can't think of anybody else with whom I'd like to share my feelings with.

So that being said. My name is God and I'm an alcoholic.
(Hi God.)
Thanks in no small part to these meetings I have been sober for 91 years. Of course as you all know, my tendency to celebrate with wine usually falls in line with a period where I am smiting. I'm not sure which one is the actual problem. Drinking or smiting? The two are inextricably linked. Sometimes I smite and then get drunk, and other times I get drunk and then I smite. So what I'm really trying to say is it's been 91 years since I've smited.

I guess it boils down to my essential addiction to power. I am God after all. I'm the greatest. The most cool. I look at all of you dear friends here with me now and all I can think of is how much better I look in my outfit than the rest of you do in yours. I'm stronger, and faster, and smarter . I can do magic tricks, and I'm the center of attention wherever I go. Being mad for power just goes with the gig.

Sometimes I just feel this uncontrollable urge to smite. It happened to me last night but I called Methusalah and he helped me fight it off. Thanks again Methy. What worries me most I guess is that I don’t want to smite for any specific wrong that may have been committed. I'm just talking about general smiting here. Smiting for smitings sake.

I guess I'm just pensive about the old days. Some of you remember. Back when I was always laying down the law in the harshest manner possible. And in darn creative ways too if I do say so myself. Death of the first born. Raining animals, earthquakes. There were some wonderful plagues. Metatron remember that time we put all the boils on that King's nutsack? That was a laugh riot. Oh right, David! That was you! Sorry man, I'm just playing.

But sometimes I think fondly upon the days where I rained down fire and demanded sacrifices. Abraham I told you to kill your own son and you were going to do it. I thought that it was the funniest thing ever, and didn't really think about how something like that would effect you. I was just trying to test your loyalty. Again I'm so sorry.

Oh I know that it is for the best that I take a back seat role in the affairs of mankind. But old habits die hard, and I'm sure that it will be just a matter of time before my next relapse. It's like the Titanic incident. My last relapse. I had been going along for a good long while without any drinking or smiting. It had been since the Renaissance. Nearly 300 years, which is a good streak for me, and then these medamned arrogant little cocksuckers got to go and build an "unsinkable" ship. It just pissed me off. It was like I was being dared. I don't like being dared. So I sank the ship, and it was exhilerating. Of course the next couple of days I felt like shit. I wasn't so upset by the smiting, but was more sad for the loss of my good streak. And since the Titanic there have been thousands of reasons to smite for real and I didn't. I wanted to do much nastier things to Hitler's nutsack but I held back. Why have I held back all this time? Because I can see through the fact that I have a problem.

I've been focusing a lot of energy these days on my more creative pursuits. I didn't really remember how much I missed the creative process. I've picked up the electric guitar, I'm working on a documentary film about the daily life of being a deity, and I'm finishing up the final stages of a new universe, and I should have life on it by this upcoming Saturday. By the way I'm sleeping in on Sunday, but if you want to stop by I'll show it to anybody who is interested on Monday morning. You'll love it. It's a complete departure from the work I did on earth, and the people won't be in my own image this time. Trust me. You'll get used to it. And I'm proud to say that Jesus here helped me quite a bit on it. It was a regular ol' father and son activity. He's very good with plantlife in particular. That is another reason that I choose to stay away from smiting. I get more time to spend with my kids.

But I would also love to evolve my new people super fast and have them conquer the earth. But by the grace of me I'll think things through. I'm just being honest with myself, admitting that the urge is there. I only wish I had a higher power that I could give myself to in those sensitive moments. Sometimes I just feel that it isn't fair. Everybody else has a higher power, but what do I got? I invented everything. Sometimes I get the urge to create a better God than me, so I'd have someone to worship too. But that would be cheating, and besides I have a power issue, I'd end up having to kick His ass. And that would only bring me right back to where I am now. I guess it's all perspective isn't it? In a way I think of this group as my higher power. This is the only place where I almost feel like I am one of the group and not just merely above the group, which I most certainly am. But it feels good to talk to you all as sort of equals, I almost get the illusion that it matters what you think about me. Anyway thanks for listening. With that I'll pass.


steve zahn said...

Wow. God reminds me of somebody. Oh yeah! Me! I'm cool like that too. I am quite possibly the coolest person ever besides Simon Lebon and God.

Anonymous said...

You just know God is an alcoholic. He's a surly ill tempered lout who has a hard time admitting he has a problem. Sounds like an alcoholic to me.

That is of course if I believed in a specific denomination's interpretation of an after-life that provided punishment/reward... which I don't.

Superbadfriend said...

Oh damn Chris. Why have you been keeping all of this brilliant writing from everyone?

I want this to be on SNL. Can you imagine the controversy it would spark? Hah!

Anonymous said...

They could cast Sinead O Conner as the AA person!

Superbadfriend said...

and that dark-haired cute Baldwin brother could be God.

Anonymous said...

Hey, what are you talking about? That dark haired Baldwin brother (Alec) IS God. Well, besides from Jeff Goldblum.

belsum said...

Oh my gods I am totally hearing this piece read in Alec Baldwin's voice now. Genius casting.