Saturday, June 21, 2008

Embarrassing mom stuff

A friend of mine and I were talking about our troubling teenage years, and about how our mothers could sometimes make us feel like degenerates. My friend is gay, and when he came out his mom first wanted him to go to counseling. I guess to "fix" him. Later she discovered in the VCR, a gay porn, which he had accidentally left there. He was young, it was like his first gay porn. (I'm thinking Fisher Price here, My First Gay Porn) He had barely watched it himself. Someone came home and he shut it off and ran away in fear and forgot about it. Later, to his horror, his mother decided that to try to be compassionate and understanding, she would watch the entire movie herself just so she could understand how gay people behave with one another. That's like someone trying to understand a straight relationship by watching Big Booty Titty Fuckers Volume 69. I mean, really? Anyway it was a deeply troubling experience for the poor young lad, even though she meant well.

I am a self centered prick. If you know me personally you know what I'm talking about. I thought I had to try to top that experience. Of course I couldn't, but I do have some embarrassing mom moments of my own which I will share with you now.

Remember the beginning of Boogie Nights, where Eddie Adams of Torrence who later becomes Dirk Diggler came home and his mom was all drinking and being psycho? She said to him, "You don't think I know what's going on. I know what's going on. I wash your sheets." Well my mom wasn't mean or psycho like that, but when I first saw that movie I had a little bit of deja vu. My mom once actually said to me, "I wash your sheets, I've seen your pecker tracks." Now other than my mother I have never heard the term pecker tracks before or since. Oh I love it now. I've put my name in my winning video games as peckertrax many times. I even wanted to call one of my bands Pecker Tracks, or write a song called Pecker Tracks. I find it hilarious, but at age 16 I was horrified.

Once I had a girl in my room. It was in the summer and my mom came home from lunch unexpectedly. My mom was pissed that my friend had parked her car in the middle of our driveway so my mom had to park in the street. She came crashing into the house all mad, and me and my friend quietly walked upstairs to greet her. My friend said goodbye and left. When she was gone my mother glared at me and asked, "What did you do to that little girl?" That my friends, made me feel like shit. What did you do to that little girl? It made me sound like a pervert. "Nothing", I said guiltily. "We were just listening to the Doors." Which was true. Okay, she was 16 and I was 17, and well, we had been doing "stuff". But it was just kissing and mild groping. Teenager stuff. No big deal really.

Anyway I am curious if any of you out there have had any similar experiences. And as older folks now, and parents, how will we deal with these situations with our own kids?


belsum said...

She may not have been mean or psycho but she probably was drinking. HA!

I was mortified when Dad found my pipe in the ash tray of "my" car. I blamed it on Laura and told him I'd give it back to her when he went to chuck it out the window. I'm sure he didn't believe me so I don't know why he went along with it. Then again, I don't know why I was dumb enough to think that was an acceptable storage location either.

Jon Hunt said...

HOLY YEAH, you KNOW I have, man! My mom walked in on me and Marcy when we were messing around in my bedroom, and said "I BAKED SOME COOKIES" and ran out!!!!

I was mortified / scarred.

Rexman R Rexman said...

Dude, don't you love moms! She actually sent me to therapy because she was worried about my being able to handle it mentally/emotionally. I still find watching gay porn bizarre and look over my shoulder from time to time as though someone else is going to steal my stash to find out how gay people do the thing... Pecker Trax... tee hee...